just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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