Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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