I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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