They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
