I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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