I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
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sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
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But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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