i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Who died my cat blue again?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
