I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she woke up with a sticky ear
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
