there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
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Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
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I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
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