Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
smell my finger.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
