Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
