After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
