Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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