he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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