so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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