im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
