he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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