i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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