If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
