Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
