I can tuck mytits in my pants
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!