She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.