My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.