i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
