there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
