She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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