4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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