I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The struggles of a small town man whore
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
