Swine flu. Run for my life!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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