why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
