I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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