It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
