How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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