she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
