tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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