I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
