You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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