My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
