I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
