Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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