I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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