I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
