she woke up with a sticky ear
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
