I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
