I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My ass is underappreciated
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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