I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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