Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
