Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
