Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
