i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
