the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
