Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
