I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
