Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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