I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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