Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
