I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
