this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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