i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
