Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
