dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
