Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
